A Leap Year Birthday!!!!

Today my little boy is 16 years old.  Yes, Tanner was born on leap day!  A very unique birthday for a very unique boy.   When each birthday comes and goes, it is easy to look at the things that Tanner is not doing.  All the normal things.  He should be getting his driver’s license and driving away to school like Adam did on his 16^th birthday.  But for Tanner that is not meant to be.  And I’m okay with that today.  That are so many things that Tanner is not and cannot do.  But I choose to focus on the things that he can do and the special boy that he is!

He is sweet, loving, smart, joyful, happy.

He is growing, maturing, learning, achieving. 

He is God’s creation, he is fearfully and wonderfully made.

He has the purest of hearts, he knows no jealousy, no greed (except  for wanting MORE pretzels), knows no hate.

He is loved by so many friends and has touched many hearts with his wonderful smile.

He is a special part of our family and we all love him very much.

A few years ago I heard Ashton Kutcher interviewed about his brother, who has special needs.  He said that he always felt bad for his brother until his brother said, “Every time you feel sorry for me, you make me less.”  That was so impactful to me.  So many people feel  sorry for Tanner that he is not “normal”.  But that is soooooo wrong.  Tanner was created for “such a time as this”.  He has a special calling from God and who knows how he will be used to glorify the kingdom!  He is not less of anything.  He is perfect in God’s eyes. 

I’m so excited to be celebrating Tanner’s 16^th birthday today with family and friends!  And I’m thankful that he is a part of my family!!!

No more poop on the floor!!!

I wanted to follow up on my latest post. Tanner has grown up so much since I wrote that 6 years ago. Later that year, in 2006, he finally learned to go to the bathroom and do his business there instead of the floor! That was a glorious day and I still give prayers of thanks for all my friends in the “Potty” ministry who prayed for that to happen.

Tanner is doing so many other things now. He is really growing and maturing. He still has autism and there still isn’t much conversation between him and others. But he knows how to convey the important things. Like needing to go to the bathroom, what he wants to eat and letting me know that he loves me! There is nothing sweeter than his little hand playing with my hair and great big hugs! He is the sweetest boy.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked him what he wanted to eat as we were heading out for errands and dinner. He said “fries and a drink” like he always does, but I pushed him a little and without my saying anything like it, he said, “8 count with a Sprite”! That was so great! He wanted Chick Fil A and he figured out a way to tell me. Those are the moments that I live for. Those tiny little successes that give me hope that someday there will be more said between he and I. But until then, I am content with the little nuggets of speech here and there. And the best hugs ever!!!! And I love that there is not any more poop on the floor!

Poop on the Floor

I wrote this piece 6 years ago.  February has historically been a hard month for me.  Tanner was born on Febrnuary 29th and as each birthday approached I would grieve all the traditional markers that he would not hit.  This is probably the most vulnerable and transparant thing that I have ever put down on paper.  Tanner has come a long way since 2006.  I’ll touch on that later in the week.  Looking back on ’06 and seeing how far he has come gives me even greater hope for his future!

February 17, 2006

The past few weeks have been hard ones for me. Tanner has been trying my patience and the little things that I usually float right through have all been like little burrs in my underwear!!! I’m irritated, I have no patience!  I’ve been tired of hearing, “Watch little TV” and “New CD player” 100 times a day. I am definitely tired of cleaning up poop…..(Tanner is really smart….why can’t he just poop in the potty?!!!!!). But the hardest times have been bedtime. Usually Tanner goes sleepily to bed after his medicine starts to work and I get to have some quiet time to myself or time to chat with Steve. But the past couple of weeks, Tanner has not gone to sleep easily. He has gotten out of the Bed-Tent three times.  The past four nights, I have had to lay with him to get him to sleep. It was when I went in to get him to sleep last night that I realized something.

I am the center of Tanner’s universe! Now this is not an epiphany….I’ve known this for a long time! But as he reached for me to lay next to him to help him relax, I felt ashamed for all the bitterness I have felt toward him the past few days. It is me who carefully calculates all the medicines he takes each day…..he is like a fine tuned chemistry experiment. When he must take antibiotics or other medications….these can slightly alter the makeup of his body and sometimes affect his behavior. It is me that greets him each day when he returns home from school and I can gage from his personality if the rest of the day will be calm or tedious. I am the one who knows what he has eaten each day and what videos he’s watched and whether his CD player is broken, really needs new batteries or just that a CD is scratched and needs to be replaced. He depends on me!

Yes, Daddy and Mamaw and Adam know a lot about Tanner…..but I am the master of Tanner. I know ALL!!!! Every ouchy, every favorite song, every good moment and every bad. This is very overwhelming to me…..I have to deal with all aspects of Tanner. And I am a very selfish person. I want to sit and watch a TV show without getting up twenty times to do something for him. I want to sit in “my room” and work on my photo albums as long as I want to.  I want him to poop in the potty. I want to sleep through the night knowing that he will too without any medication. I want him to tell me, “Mommy, I love the color blue and I want to be a fireman when I grow up!” I want to go to the grocery store with my kids and not have people stare at the 10 year old boy sitting in the cart with his CD player. I want to go to a restaurant and not worry about Tanner being too noisy or getting overwhelmed by the crowd and noise. I want to see my child play on a playground with other friends. I want to know that Tanner will be taken care of for the rest of his life.

All these “I wants“! And then it occurred to me. All that our Heavenly Father wants is for us to love Him, to seek His presence, to be with Him, tell the world about Him. Yet, we are always doing things that He doesn’t want us to do. Buying things….seeking comfort from worldly objects that are empty and meaningless, treating people unkindly because they don’t look or act the way we think they should, not spending time with Him and instead watching too much TV or too many sports or even reading things that are not favorable to Him. We spend all this time ignoring God or putting Him on the back burner. And He should be the Center of our Universe.

He is the MASTER of US!!! He knows every wound, every hurt, every happiness, every joy! He is always there for us. He never feels bitter when we don’t please him. He LOVES us unconditionally and He LONGS to be with us. Even if we poop on the floor!!!! : ) He is our parental role model. He is perfect. He is our loving Father. He is the one we reach for when we are hurting and when we feel joy.

I want to be more like Him. I know that I love Tanner no matter what, autism and all….but I am only human. My own selfish desires will always get in the way. I will pray that God will always remind me that I am Tanner’s refuge from the confusing world that Tanner lives in. That Tanner can depend on me always.

So tonight when Tanner wants me to lay with him until he goes to sleep, when he rests his little head against mine and holds my hand while he drifts off…..I will remember not to be upset that I’m not getting my down time….I will pray for him and for our family. I will give him the love that he needs. And I will be ever thankful to God for loving me in spite of all my faults and selfishness and all the “poop” I leave on the floor.

 

 

 

Super Bowl Solitude

The Super Bowl is underway and I am home alone.  Actually, I am not alone.  I’m home with Tanner.  Don’t feel sorry for me…..this is TOTALLY my choice.  We were invited to a few parties and Steve has gone to one of those.  I just didn’t feel like getting a babysitter for a game I don’t really care about between two teams that I definitely don’t care about. I am a person who really enjoys my solitude and so for me, this is a little pocket of almost “alone time”.  Tanner and I will eat dinner and play some games and do some puzzles.  He will watch some videos.  I have the game on, but mostly for the commercials and I am looking forward to Madonna’s half-time show.

Just a few minutes ago, a thought struck me….two thoughts actually.  First, Tanner will be 16 this month and I still have to get a sitter for him if Steve and I want to go do something without kids.  That’s a bummer.  Just another dimension of life with a special needs kid.  I will always have to have someone watch him if we are going to be away.  I can’t just pick up and go whenever I want….ever.  Tanner is easy to watch so it’s not too difficult to get a sitter.  My mom watches him mostly….which is great.  We have a couple of other “go to” people also.  But still, it’s a pain. And sometimes expensive.  Mamaw is free, but have you paid a sitter lately?   

Which brings me to my second thought.  Most of my friends are probably sitting at home with their special needs kids as well.  Sure, maybe some of them went to a party…..but they had to get a sitter.  It’s part of our life.  I’m not complaining….just stating a fact.  It’s another detail of life that “normal” people don’t think about.  I remember watching a show, probably Oprah, where there were several parents of special needs kids on a panel.  They were asked, what was one of the best things that someone could do for a special needs family and they replied….Offer to babysit their kids. 

This is NOT a blatant request for any of you to come and watch Tanner.  But a thought for you…..if you know a family like mine, offer to watch their child.  You may have to learn how to handle a few behaviors and also work hard to interact with the child.  But I promise you, you will be blessed in ways that you can’t imagine.  Tanner has touched the hearts of many with his great smile and gentle spirit. 

So, I’ll end this post and hang out with Tan-man and enjoy the quietness of the house.  I may be alone for the Superbowl…..but you know that if the Dallas Stars make it to the Stanley Cup finals…..the party is at my house!!!!!!