The Mom I Get to Be

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the kind of Mom that I didn’t get to be. The kind of mom that doesn’t have a child with special needs. When I completed those thoughts, I knew that I would have to write about the kind of mom that I became.
First of all, I always knew that I would have boys. Maybe it’s my love of sports or the fact that I have only had brothers, or that I have always had a lot of guy friends. I just always knew that my personality was much more suited to boys. And that is what I have – 2 fabulous, adorable, sweet boys. They are grown men now…..but still my boys.
I get to be Adam’s mom. As he has grown, I have been his biggest fan – a faithful audience for his humor and his athletic endeavors. He is a funny guy…..such dry wit and once he makes you laugh, he will watch your face and savor your laughter. He likes to make people laugh.
Adam has played a variety of sports. I’ve been behind him each step of the way! I love watching him play anything. And I love that he played interesting and different sports. No baseball for him…..hockey and lacrosse were his thing. I loved learning these games and talking to him about his play and skills and the things he needed to work on.
With Adam, I got to do all the usual Mom things, but I also got to learn things along with him. Together, he and I learned how to have a family member with a disability. We had to learn together how to handle the disappointment of rushing out of the mall because Tanner was screaming and having a meltdown. We had to learn to accept the stares that we would get as we grocery shopped or ate lunch with Tanner at a restaurant. We had to learn how to teach our friends about Tanner and what autism was. And together we have celebrated many of the teeny, tiny victories that have happened along the years.
Because Adam is a sibling of someone with special needs, he is more compassionate. I can see it when he interacts with other kids with special needs. He is more mature. He had to grow up fast. He has shouldered more responsibility than most young men his age. We have tried to lighten his burden, but it is still there. I’m so happy to be his mom.
I also get to be the mom of the sweetest person I know. That is what everyone says about Tanner. He is so sweet. And he is. Sure, there are tantrums and misbehavior here and there. But you really have to look at why he acts that way. It’s usually his only method of communication in moments of frustration. I’m trying to teach him to use words, you have to teach him the exact sentence to say. He’s learning little by little.
As Tanner’s mom, I get to see the impact he has on the lives of others. He hasn’t cured any disease and he is not the valedictorian of his class. But his peaceful and calm presence draw many people in. He is very affectionate and when he smiles, the room is full of sunshine! You have to work hard to get his attention, yet he readily acknowledges people that have a sweet spirit to them.
I’m pushed to be a creative mom for Tanner. With God’s inspiration, I have come up with many solutions and strategies to defeat certain behaviors or to make living in our home a safe and comfortable place for him. I have to always be on my toes, anticipating his next move. I have to always be his champion, his advocate. I have to take care of all of the details of his life. For the rest of my life.
Because I am Tanner’s mom, I have to educate the world about my child. He is different, he is interesting, he is confusing, he has autism. I’m learning about him each day, and because there are so many like him, the whole world needs to know that it’s okay to be all the things that Tanner is. And this is why I talk about him on Facebook and share little parts of our daily life.
All of these things that I am as a mom, are not done alone. God is with me each and every step of the way. I hate that saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Well, actually He does, after all, why would we need Him if we could handle all the stuff in our lives. It is with my faith and through Christ that I get my strength. I couldn’t do it all without the hope that I have.
It is okay that I am not the Mom that I wanted to be. I am the Mom that God created me to be. I am Adam’s mom and Tanner’s mom and I couldn’t be more grateful.

The Mom I Wanted to Be

A few weeks ago, I went for an afternoon run. My route took me past the local neighborhood rec center and pool. When my boys were very young, we used to go to that pool during the summer. But as Tanner’s autism began to exhibit itself in difficult behaviors, we stopped going there. As I ran by the pool, I was reminded of what I used to think my life would be like before autism showed up.

I always wanted to be a mom and I wanted all parts of mom-hood. Especially summer days at the pool or water-park. I could see myself with the cooler full of food and while the kids would swim and play, I would be the mom reading her book in the sun.
I imagined summer vacations to the beach. Everyone would bring their stuff down to the chairs by the ocean and we would be like all of the other families. We would spend our days in the sun and sand, sheltered by a large umbrella. The kids would build sandcastles or sand creatures. I would play in the ocean with them and at times, get to read my book!

But the mom I wanted to be was not the mom I became. Our pool days were hectic as I tried to keep an eye on Adam and also had to be by Tanner’s side every second. I had to make sure he didn’t run around the pool. All the lifeguards would whistle and yell, “Don’t run!” They didn’t realize that their voices were like white noise to Tanner’s ears. Tanner wore a swim diaper and I was always nervous that he would “do his business” while we were swimming. Adam would want to go to the diving board or the bigger pool. I just couldn’t do Adam and Tanner at the same time.

And the thought of going to the water park with Tanner was ridiculous. I had to get a baby sitter to stay with Tanner if I wanted to take Adam and some of his friends. That did not happen very often. More than likely, Adam would go along with a group of friends and THEIR moms. Those moms got to visit and have fun with the kids and have the coolers full of food while Tanner and I stayed home.

The one time we all went to the beach, that was even different. Tanner does not like the sand. So if you were not swimming in the ocean, playing in the waves, then there was no sitting in chairs enjoying the sun. You would have to trudge back to the condo. So, on that vacation, someone stayed at the pool with Tanner while the other parent went to the beach with Adam. No throwing the ball or Frisbee to each other. No burying each other in the sand.

Over the years we noticed that most of our friends planned to go on vacation with other families. We have always gone on vacation with just our family…..we have never been invited to go along with others.

Tanner is easier now that he is older, but those summer days I imagined are long gone. We have wonderful neighbors and friends that have allowed us to use their pools over the years. But it’s usually just me and Tanner. Adam long ago became too busy with his own friends to do many summer activities with us. Thanks to some great organizations, Tanner has been able to enjoy the water park when it is open only to families with special needs. But he has to be monitored every second. Whatever he is doing, we are doing.

We haven’t returned to the beach. Tanner might do better with the sand, but I expect it will still be a bit of sensory overload for him. We have discovered that he likes the mountains. He will hike with us and will sit with us by the river and enjoy a snack. But Adam doesn’t like the mountains. So there is a family vacation planning dilemma. And we still don’t go on vacation with anyone else. Which is okay. Steve and I really enjoy being together and if it’s just us, we don’t have to compromise on activities, dinners, etc.

As I ran around the pool that afternoon a couple of weeks ago, I pondered these thoughts. I mourned once again the mom I didn’t get to be. But I am okay with the mom that I became. This life with autism turned out to be very different than what I had imagined. But it is everything that God wanted it to be.

The Magic of BOOM!

Around the 4th of July, everyone gets excited about participating in a time-honored tradition – watching fireworks! When you have children, it is one of the activities that you can’t wait for them to be a part of. Of course, even in this area, it was harder for our family. When Tanner was little, I could NOT persuade him that there were cool things in the sky making all that noise. The noise didn’t seem to catch his attention, so he would not look up in the night sky. Every year, we would attend the fireworks, and Tanner was happy to simply listen to his music and eat whatever snack we had brought along.

Until July of 2006.

That year, we were able to attend the fireworks at a neighborhood near us that puts on a big production. Steve was resting and dealing with a bad back and Adam was with friends, so I grabbed some chairs for Tanner and I and we headed out. I found what I thought would be a good spot on a street near the golf course where I suspected that they would be shooting off the fireworks. Tanner and I waited patiently and then it was time!
The first firework went up and I realized that I had selected the PERFECT spot. We were so close that the sparkly spheres were seemingly going off right above us. The “boom” of each rocket was loud! I looked at Tanner and his gaze was skyward. With each explosion, I would say “Boom”. After just a few, Tanner began to say it. His eyes did not divert from the sky.
HE NOTICED! HE LIKED IT! I was so excited and my joy overtook me as I sat watching him watching the fireworks with tears streaming down my face. I soaked up every moment. It was truly one of the best moments in my life…..he was finally enjoying something that everyone enjoys every year.
We don’t always get to see fireworks because we usually attend a Family Retreat over the 4th. Sometimes I manage to find a fireworks show that is happening right before the 4th and we always go. He loves it now! I don’t even have to say “Boom” anymore. He says it.

And for me, each “boom” is pure magic!