Not a Happy Day

It’s been two hours. I’m still mad and frazzled.

I took Tanner shopping with me this afternoon. We went to one of my favorite stores. I need some new pants for work.

It wasn’t very crowded. I selected a few pairs and headed off to the dressing room with Tanner in tow. The attendant at the front stopped me and told me Tanner couldn’t go in the dressing room with me. I explained to her that he had to go with me or he would walk away. I said, “He has autism.”

She continued to say no and told me that I had to go to the men’s dressing room to try on the ladies pants. I told her that Tanner goes with me into all the dressing rooms, that he is like a preschooler and he will be fine with me.

She said no.

Another customer was shopping nearby and she looked at me sympathetically as I walked away. I could tell she was as stunned as I was.

I walked towards the men’s department, processing what had just happened. My thoughts started at “I really need some pants, just go try these on.”

Next, I went to “Forget you XYZ Store. I’m not spending one penny here and I’ll never come here again.” (Big problem because I like this store!)

And then I settled in to, “Time to speak to the manager.”

I walked to the front, feeling mad and frustrated. It’s been a long day. I was already feeling over emotional. Tanner was up at 3:21, 3:45 and more times after that. I got up with him because I knew my husband was going to be driving around with customers all day and I wanted him to sleep.

And then, after I dropped Tanner off at dayhab this morning, I drove a different route to work because of the rain and traffic. I drove right by the elementary school where Tanner used to go for summer school when he was really young. That triggered the memory of the awful teacher who wouldn’t change his pull-up while he was there and he would come home with a diaper rash every day. And then that triggered the memories of many other yucky situations we had to endure when Tanner was little. I’ve put so many of them out of my head, but they all came back today.

By the time I was turned away from the dressing room door, well, that was just it.

I calmly asked for the manager. Then I had to wait for her. Then four checkout ladies stood there and stared at me until the manager appeared. I calmly explained the situation and what had happened. She said that I could try on clothes wherever I wanted to and that there was a dressing room toward the front that she could unlock. She was very kind.

I tried on some pants and settled on a pair and paid for them. I told the cashier lady to tell the manager thank you.

We got in the car and I cried.

I cried because Tanner is 22 years old and still has to go to into the restroom with me when we are out. I cried because I was humiliated explaining my situation in front of all of those ladies.

I cried because I am really tired of autism.

I am REALLY tired of autism.

I am so tired.

Don’t fret for me. I don’t fret much. But today was a bad day.

Tomorrow has to be better.

It will be if I can get some sleep.