The Coming Weight

I touched it Tuesday night.

Well, really, it abruptly landed in my conscience unexpectedly.

I didn’t hold it very long. It was too heavy.

I sat with it for just a few moments and then it was gone.

It was similar to a wave of grief.

However, waves of grief wash over us and eventually wash away.

In the beginning, when grief begins, we feel like we are drowning and we head towards the shore until we can stand. As time passes, we get to shallower water. The waves of grief don’t hit us quite as high anymore. And then they hit lower and lower until we learn to walk out of the water.

We learn their ebb and flow. Sometimes we choose to let the waves wash over us again. And sometimes a wave comes in faster than we thought it would and catches us by surprise. We are usually strong enough to swim and walk away.

But this wasn’t a wave.

It was a weight.

It was similar to a weighted fitness ball. A heavy one. When those are thrown to you, you aren’t expecting how truly heavy they are. So you catch it and then drop it quickly.

I’ve been carrying some weighted balls for a long time now. They are a permanent presence. Sometimes a wave of grief washes over me even while I am holding a ball. The weight of a ball and the feelings can intertwine with one another.

I have learned to only play with the lighter balls….always knowing that the heavy one will be thrown at some point. The lighter balls are still weighted, so they require work.

But that heavy ball….wow, it is so heavy.

I know I have to hold it really soon…..and this time, it won’t be temporary.

It is not going away.

Sure, there might be people along the way that will hold the ball from time to time, but it’s not their ball and they will give it back.

This heavy ball will always be my ball, and I have to figure out how best to hold it.

Today I am praying that God builds my muscles over the next ten weeks.

That heavy ball is coming back very soon.

And I won’t be able to drop it.